Okay, I’ll try not to make this any more painful than necessary…….I just scored a brand new 9 quart Le Creuset round “flame” oven for 150 bucks shipped. I just had to at least say it, don’t want to rub it in or anything……..it just needed to be said.
So the new season of the most entertaining show on television (relatively speaking, of course…. I mean, I just got around to watching the first 2 seasons of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’) has begun. Of course, I’m referring to Bret Michaels Rock of Love. What a show. It. Is. Magical. Using words like “whore” or “hussy” when I think of that parade of dyed, waxed and augmented meat is just too…..vanilla? I don’t know what new terminology I’m searching for here….is “road hog” appropriate? Or to borrow a term from one Mr. Nick Cave……”fornicatrix”? I’m rarely at a loss for words, and for someone who is a regular viewer of HowardTV it makes my lack of an appropriate insult even more bizarre. Basically, Rock of Love is the logical conclusion of what television was meant to be. It is a hearty serving of joy, sadness, triumph, exploitation and multiple-partner spit-swapping that is simmering desperately in its own yeasty homeostasis. Hepatitis confit, if you will.
So when I started this blog I wanted it to be a reflection of my true, self-involved persona as it evolves over time. I think I have achieved that. What I DIDN’T want it to become is just another weight loss testimonial site that I can share with everyone I meet…..I love rambling on and on, dominating the conversation, but I hate telling the same story to different people every time they notice I’ve lost weight. This blog is mainly for anyone besides me who can find humor in telling inquisitive souls…….”No, I didn’t have surgery or go on a diet……my AIDS is actin’ up!”. Actually, it’s for people who can find humor in that OR get truly pissed off by it…….I love chiding pop-culture fundamentalists of any stripe, whether they worship at the church of Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore. Wait, I have to include the humorless Aberzombies who say “I don’t like Rush Limbaugh OR Michael Moore, and I STILL think you’re an asshole”. You’re right. I AM an asshole……….an asshole who has stolen precious moments of your life by making you think about how damn UNIQUE you aren’t.
With all of that said, there IS an inherent “the hills are alive with the sound of music” joy involved with losing a lot of weight and having your focus shift to something besides where the next “fix” is coming from that will be shoveled into your gaping maw. I don’t think I’ll ever totally lose my cynical center and become one of those “the hills are alive” folks, but THOSE people do serve a purpose. There are very weird and very private things associated with the post-surgery life, and it is genuinely good to find some of those things put into words. A few weeks ago I thought that a “fine dining” cookbook for post-surgery folks would be a great project, but before I put too much thought into that I researched to see if it had already been done. It had. Not very well, but the precedent was already set. During this search I stumbled upon this site: http://livingafterwls.blogspot.com. From the look of it, they fall into the “hills are alive” category, and they do a great job of providing information for those of us from the other side of the tracks. There is a good compilation of recipes, but more importantly it made me realize how many other people out there speak the “language”. For example, per the title of this post….”slider foods”. Over the holidays I found myself going, “holy shit, I sure can eat a lot of mashed potatoes….I hope I didn’t mess up my new little stomach”. Slider foods are a testament to the fact that gastric bypass is only a tool…..yes, you can hork down as many white carbs as you want, for the most part, and by doing so you can stall your progress. They “slide” right through your pouch and bypass any feeling of satiety you would get from proteins. As far as damaging the new stomach, they provide a link to the “Five Day Pouch Test” for people with the EXACT same questions I had. Admittedly, I am no rocket scientist….I do know that there is a plethora of information out there on the web, and I’ve got my support groups I can attend twice a month. It’s just NICE to stumble upon a resource like this one and find out that enough people have been down the same path that they’ve created a whole language centered around your nagging worries. I really mean that, they provide a great service. AND they make it that much easier for me to do what I do…………selfishly rant and fuck around, doling out pearls of what I consider wisdom on my terms.
Anyway, I have to run now. My AIDS is actin’ up….