Hi there! My name is Annie and I’m a six-year old wiggle-butt! I’m the most special kind of doggie because MY person loved me enough to adopt me from a shelter instead of going to one of those people who raise puppies for money! I love my person VERY MUCH, and I love all of you too! As a matter of fact, I wish all of you could be as happy as me, and that is pretty happy! I think most people have big hearts and they want to do what’s right, even though life isn’t always easy. Now, things aren’t always as complicated as you might think, and I don’t want you to think it’s too weird to hear about the gospel from a wiggle-butt! I’m here to tell you that NOBODY needs to be unsaved, especially not when Jesus is there to take care of everything and make YOU as happy as ME! You know what? I’m just going to tell you this right now…even if you don’t know anything about him, the lord has a plan for you and if you can be patient enough to listen to a sweet little doggie I’m going to tell you all about some things that will help you out.
First of all, I know some of you good Christian people wonder what the best way is to talk to your unsaved loved ones. That is no joke, and even though I’m a dog I sure do know it! When my person isn’t around, I go onto his website and I look at AAAALLLLLLL of the different things you saved people type into Google about your unsaved loved ones that directs you to his website. This website makes it SOOOO easy to find out how people get in here, even for a little wiggle-butt like me! I know my person doesn’t care about all of you like I do, so I’m going to help you out! He’s not a bad person, he just doesn’t understand things like we do. I get on this computer machine to see what all of you are wanting to know when my person drinks too much of that funny smelling water and falls asleep in his chair. He gets mad when I pee-pee on the carpet, and I wish he’d remember how many times I’ve seen HIM pee-pee all over himself when he has too much of that funny smelling water….oh, it’s very scary when he gets like that. I pray for him, and I hope YOU pray for him!
Boy I sure do hate my person’s font, so I’m going to use my own! And like I told you, there are so many things you all come in here wondering about, and I’m going to help you RIGHT NOW! I know I’m just a doggie, and I don’t have an eternal soul like all of you people who are reading this. But I STILL think it’s very important for me to explain things to you! First of all, it hurts to talk about how happy my person’s home used to be when I had a mommy AND a daddy. When I came here to live I had a doggie brother and two parents. Then one day my mommy and daddy started yelling at each other so much that finally my mommy and my brother were GONE! You know what I think the problem was? My mommy and daddy weren’t ever MARRIED! Sure, I’m just a doggie but even I know that the lord doesn’t approve of two people living in SIN! I think if they got married I wouldn’t be missing my mommy and my brother like I do now, because the lord would have taken care of everything if they chose to honor him first. That’s what made me realize I need to get on here and help you figure out how to talk to YOUR unsaved loved ones, just like I wish someone had talked to both of my parents.
I’ll probably do this every once in a while until my person figures out what I’m up to on this here computer, but basically I’m just going to list aaallllll of the questions you type into Google and tell you what to do. A lot of them sound alike, so I’ll group them together when I can. I’m so happy to have you here! I really do want you to be happy! And you know what will make you happy? Some old-time gospel truth!
“Should I hang around unsaved friends”
Hey, if you aren’t around to share the gospel with them, who will be? If they can’t understand that the BIBLE is the rule book, then it is YOUR job to make it happen! Faith without works is DEAD, so get to WORK! If they try telling you all that gibberish about how they don’t even believe in God, or they are of some other pagan religion like a Buddhist or a Jew, don’t be afraid to turn up the VOLUME! Get into the Book of Revelation because NOTHING motivates the unsaved like a healthy fear of HELL! I can’t remember where exactly Jesus said it, but I know somewhere he must have said something like “love me or I will scare you into loving me”. How else would there be so many Pentecostals if he didn’t say that? It works!
“How to minister to our unsaved loved one”
Boy, I sure can relate to this and I sure do feel for you. My doggie heart is broken every day watching MY unsaved loved one walk around oblivious. But fortunately for you, the solution is very similar to the one for unsaved friends. At some point you just have to give up on your friends when they won’t listen to you, but if you have a close family member who won’t listen then you have to go the extra mile. I only weigh eighteen pounds and don’t have opposable thumbs, or I’d do this myself….have you ever heard of the drug-assisted aversion therapy known as the “Ludovico Technique”. If not, read up on it. I think you will like it because it is 100% effective with minimal lifelong trauma.
“Death of an unsaved loved one”, and “Unsaved relative just died”
Um, yeah. I don’t know what it says in YOUR Bible, but in my Bible this situation never ends up too good. Oh well, if nothing else use the story as a cautionary tale to scare people with.
“Salvation tract for my unsaved family” and“Scripture for unsaved loved ones”
Oh boy, I think this is my favorite thing to talk about! Long story short, when someone refuses to get saved, just KEEP QUOTING SCRIPTURE! Not just one, ALL OF THEM! And when you get tired of talking, or you just have NO personality at all and lack the social skills to live by example, then be SURE to visit www.chick.com. They have got what you NEED! These tracts are the best because they condense the whoooole gospel down into a tiny little comic book that you can hand to people. And the best thing is, almost ALL of them talk about hell! And even the ones that aren’t about hell are good, because they tell good stories about bad people turning their lives around and getting saved. I think the one called “Lisa” is my favorite. It’s about a little girl whose father molests her until he finally gets saved……and he got saved so good that child services didn’t even have to get involved! They just lived happily ever after! “Lisa” is good, but the ones about the Catholics are pretty good too. Did you know that The Pope is the antichrist, and there are mass graves of dead babies that are the bastard offspring of priests and nuns buried right under the Vatican? It’s true! I don’t even think Catholics can GET saved, so don’t even waste your time!
“Why are the unsaved so hostile”
You got me. They are even hostile to me and I’m a precious doggie! Deep down, the unsaved know they are lost, and it makes them angry way down in their belly. Don’t let them scare you though, what’s the worst that will happen? They’ll go to Hell #2? Stay on top of them and don’t let up because sometimes you have to be very rude, thoughtless and mean in order to show someone how much FUN it is to be SAVED! Oh boy, talking like this sure does make me wish I had a soul, because I want to go to heaven one day and talk to all of you about how much I’ve helped you.
“Simple question to ask your unsaved mother”
This is a sensitive subject, because it is VERY important to honor your parents. At the same time, who would you want to get saved more than your Mommy? The bottom line is, you can’t be shy about it. The next time she’s in the kitchen, sneak up behind her and hold her hand down on the stove. Then start yelling, “Remember how bad it hurt when I came out of your tummy? Well that’s NOTHING compared to HELL! You wanna feel this burning all over you FOREVER? LISTEN TO ME WOMAN! NO MOMMIES IN HELL! NO MOMMIES IN HELL!!!!” Trust me, she’ll come around.
“Dating unsaved” and “My girlfriend is unsaved”
Well, I’m assuming that you got saved after the two of you started dating, because no real Christian in their right mind would unequally yoke themselves with a nonbeliever. You are headed for a nightmare, my friend. Stay away from all of that. And if you are banging away already, then YOU need to get saved! Take my unsaved person for example, for some reason he has stopped eating all of the food I used to steal off of his plate and he’s shrinking more and more every day. Now he is acting like a ladies man with new clothes and he is in mortal danger of finding me a new unsaved mommy, and I just can’t deal with it. And I feel sorry for any good Christian girl who would get stuck with him, because they have NO IDEA what he is like. Sometimes I wish I had a voice instead of a cute doggie bark, because I’d yell, “Hey! Fat Boy! Just because YOU don’t eat yummy food anymore it doesn’t mean you can’t give it to ME! And those naughty girls you like to watch on your picture-box aren’t what you should be after! Go to church!”. And I don’t know what a “safety word” is, but he sure does insist all his filthy harlots choose one as soon as they come over here to MY house! Anyway, you Christian people should stick with other Christians. That is just the bottom line.
“Explaining the Old Testament to the unsaved”
Shalom Aleichem! You’re Jewish, right? I mean, I can’t get my doggie brain around how many saved people use the Torah when they don’t even understand the NEW Testament well enough to be effective! If you become a Jew for Jesus then I’ll let you come over here and teach me some good material from the Old Testament. Even though there is no logical reason for saved folks to use the Old Testament because they are under grace now (and the Old Testament is a book of laws), there are a LOT of us who like to live by the law so that we can judge OTHERS by the law! Especially dirty homosexuals! YUCK! I eat my own poop and even I think that is just the most disgusting of all sins! And there is some good spooky stuff in the Old Testament to use against the unsaved! Come explain it to me so that I can come back here one day and explain it to all of my person’s readers!
“How many unsaved people die per day”
Well, as much as I love to preach the gospel in the tough-love manner that is required for all true believers, this question bothers me for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s just creepy. And secondly, if you’ve got time to Google something like THAT then you’ve got too much time on your hands that you should be using to witness to people. Maybe then more SAVED people would die every day! You ever think of THAT? You better start sending that timber up to heaven if you want a mansion, fella!
Well it sure has been a lot of fun coming on here and talking with you good people! I sure hope you like me, and not just because I’m cute but because I have such a command of the gospel truth! My person is stirring around in the other room…….I think he has slept off his last blackout, and I sure do hope he doesn’t find out what I’ve been up to because he gets MEAN! Then again, what is he going to do about it? Beat and starve me even more? You know what you get when you accidentally spill paint in the garage in THIS house? A cigar burn! Ouch! And he just spent money for people to put me in a CAGE! For DAYS! He’s a tough case alright, but it’s not to late for HIM or any of YOUR unsaved loved ones to wise up and turn things around!
D-O-G backwards is G-O-D! Faithful and Loyal to YOU and to ME !
9 responses to “There IS Hope For The Unsaved!!!”
ha! priceless. love the breakfast club reference.
My dog is right you know, I am one evil sonofabitch…..you’d think she’d be more thankful for that carton of smokes I got her for Christmas……
You’d better hope I don’t find out where you live ’cause I’m gonna come over there and save that poor innocent puppy and there isn’t going to be a “safety word” for your sorry ass, heathen!
No safety word…….well, my dog got it all wrong, because that’s how I roll. I’ll let her know that you are wishing her a Happy Easter, but she may not get the message for a few days….she’s over in a sweatshop in Indonesia making Nikes alongside some orphans. That’s what happens to you in THIS HOUSE when you go and mess with my keyboard and mouse placement….
Heathen????? It’s pure class this, you need to write a novel mate, and let me be the one to read the first draft, and once I’ve finished peeing myself along with you and your funny coloured water – yes, coloured DOES have a “U” in it people – I will personally accompany you to a publishers, it will be well worth the plane fare!
If my extremely short attention span would allow me to write anything beyond 2,000 words I’m sure I could manage something that would be immediately banned from Oprah’s Book Club…….
Crap, I just remembered that I missed this week’s episode of the Showtime Series “The Tudours”… 🙂
Yeah, but he’s an alright bit of stuff that Jonathan blokie with the weird welsh name, I wouldn’t turn him away on a dark night! I never realised history could be so interesting! So anyway, as I sip from my aluminiUm can of diet coke here I shall browse some more……:-)
“Especially dirty homosexuals! YUCK! I eat my own poop and even I think that is just the most disgusting of all sins!”
This is parody, right? Surely you could not be so much against homosexuality that you would find it more disgusting than, say, murder or rape.
Man, I’m a pretty effective blogger if I leave any doubt whatsoever about this being parody or not……yes, put your mind at ease, it is parody, HOWEVER, I wish that the things that people typed into Google to get to my site were parody…..oh how I wish….