Monthly Archives: August 2008

 

So I got back a few days ago from Richmond, and normally I’d have a lot of interesting and charming things to say about my trip…..especially since my reason for coming down was to enjoy a C.H.U.D country safari!  Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my quality time with my girl, she is the greatest, but you bastards in Richmond have really gone “full retard” in my opinion.  And as everyone knows, you just don’t ever go full retard.  Forrest Gump……possibly retarded but he charmed the pants off of Nixon and could beat the Chinese at ping pong.  Rainman….definitely acted and looked like a retard, but could count the shit out of some toothpicks.  What the people in Richmond have done is go the way of I Am Sam and Radio…….you went full retard.  I know I normally have some nice things to say about just about everyone and everything, and sorry to rip-off the funniest movie I’ve seen in a long time to make my point (Tropic Thunder, of course), but I have a very specific problem with you guys and your blatant racism.  And not just the racism, but the cultural insensitivity in general. 

Okay, I know this is all coming out of left field, but you all are insane, and that may not be apparent to the casual visitor.  It took me a few days to piece it all together, but the first clue was found as we strolled along the so called “America’s Most Beautiful Boulevard”.  At first, Monument Avenue looked just like Ward Parkway here in Kansas City……beautiful older homes where wealthy people spend a lot of money on making their front yards look perfect.  And Richmond being in the south, I can look past the fascination with giant monuments dedicated to confederate generals.  Sure, you all took quite a tanning during the Civil War…..er, sorry, I mean “the war of northern aggression”….but that’s no reason not to recognize military leaders.  I guess you could follow my logic out to the point where you defend goddamn HITLER and his military prowess, but that is neither here nor there.  You want to honor your military leaders who lost the war for you, that is your business.  When in Rome…..

So we’re going along just fine……..old dead white guy…..old dead white guy…….yuppies walking their dogs…….old dead white guy……..

Then we happen upon THIS profoundly offensive spectacle, that could only have been erected to mock the anguish of people who aren’t even FROM Richmond….

 

 Way to go, assholes…….seriously, what in the name of all that is holy and decent in this world would even make you THINK of erecting a statue that honors the notorious Atlanta child murderer, Wayne Williams?  You got the hair and the glasses down cold, I’ll give you that, but is there some kind of Atlanta/Richmond rivalry based on your child death rates that I’m not aware of?  I’m going to be honest with you…I don’t care for it.  And seriously, if you can’t get someone like ME onboard with a sick-ass joke like yours, then I can tell you with a high degree of confidence that the general public is not going to be wild about it.  And what is with the tennis racket, and the inclusion of little children literally screaming out in terror……”OH NO!  What kind of defensive wounds will get get from that tennis racket?  Oh please! Don’t kill us, sir!”.   I guess it could be a badminton racket or something, I don’t know how Williams lured his victims, so there is obviously some tie-in I’m not aware of.  And what about the books?  Are those supposed to be the Bible?  Is he screaming scripture at them as he pummels them with a sporting good?  And was Williams really that short-waisted?  Whoever you had do the statue didn’t even do that good of a job, so not only is the thing insanely offensive and hurtful, someone did a shitty job of it.  What the fuck? 

So obviously, I was shocked.  And a little saddened.  And puzzled…….so we continued to walk along and I was asking the C.H.U.D., “did you plan shocking me like that?”.  As we went further down the road, things started making a LITTLE more sense when we saw THIS….

Y’all Richmond crackers got you some MINSTREL FEVER!  YOWZA!  Really, on one hand you’re so macabre, and on the other just blatantly disrespectful in that Amos and Andy kind of way.  You’ve got a goddamn statue dedicated to MR. BOJANGLES!  What do you all do, stop by the Wayne Williams tribute to get yourselves all tickled and then saunter on down and do you some dancin’ in front of Bojangles?  Oh no, that’s not insensitive at ALL.  “LAWDY LAWDY! I gots ‘ta see me some funny statues on my way home to ham-off to some underground Hattie McDaniel stag films!”.  What in the HELL?  Was that black lady who was always screaming at “Jasper” in the early Tom and Jerry cartoons too busy for a sitting?  I just shook my head……and as much as I dearly love the C.H.U.D., I feel bad for how desensitized she has had to become living in such a backwards culture of spiteful racism and gleeful……gleeful….is “caricaturization” a real word? 

So I’m thinking……today couldn’t go any further south (no pun intended).  WRONG!  WRONG!  We head over to Carytown to walk amongst the cultured whites who live close enough to the edge of a full-blown Bohemian enclave without actually living amongst the unshowered…..

Let me set the scene….this is about twenty minutes after the whole segregationist/child murderer/Bojangles debacle, and while I heal quickly I’m still reeling a bit from the shock.  We finally find a place to park, because Saturday is “the” day in Carytown, and I swear to God I’m not even out of the car for five minutes before I see…in EVERY window and on EVERY lampost……

 

 

REEAAALLL fucking subtle.  I was shocked I didn’t see a “BOJANGLES ATE HERE” sign in the Double T BBQ or whatever in the hell it’s called restaurant.  OH LAWDY LAWDY!  You people crystallize insensitivity to the point of being a hardened diamond…..a blood diamond, of course.  But hey, that’s okay, at least you’re not in the closet about it.  I’m not saying wearing it like a badge of pride is GOOD, I’m just saying at least we know how things REALLY are the next time we go to one of your information centers or chambers of commerce.

The hell with it, I’m a trooper, it was an absolutely beautiful day outside, spending quality time with the C.H.U.D., so I soldiered on.  The funny thing is, I LITERALLY thought of the term “soldier on” as we walked up the street, right before I ran into THESE guys…..

All I wanted to do was go into Penzey’s for some smoked paprika and some fennel seeds, but things apparently just aren’t that easy.  As I started towards the door, one of them screams “WHAT’S THE PASSWORD?”.  I just swoon with shock…..this has to be a dream……..but I really REALLY wanted to buy some overpriced spices, so I thought for a minute and based on a PURE guess, said “Jim Crow”.  Sure enough, they were like “Ye may pass”.  And I was like “YE? What in the fuck is up with YE?”.  Crazy fuckers were like watching Spartacus or Cleopatra with the senseless mish-mash of eras going on. 

So Carytown was a nice enough place.  I love the candy store even though they didn’t have Chuckles in stock.  I was feeling bad for my girlfriend, because I know she wasn’t proud of the way her city was being scarily accurately potrayed, and because I know she’s a good person.  So hey, let’s forget about all of this, have some food at Sticky Rice…..her favorite restaurant, and after eating there, one of mine too……the Sticky Balls are just magical…..but it wasn’t quite five o’clock, so we had some time to kill.  Like I said, it was a beautiful day, Richmond has an ANNOYING amount of trees, so let’s find a park to hang out and watch the fucking crackers play frisbee with their dogs or some such shit.   So we find a park, and I’m wondering why such a small park has SO MANY cars parked on the streets around it.  Oh, I guess it took twenty seconds to realize we made a huge error in judgment because we ran into THESE GUYS….

What the fuck flag is that?  It’s like Australia, but not quite. And then you’ve got the Greek Orthodox cross on one, but again, not quite…….you people have the dumbest goddamn skinheads in all of humanity living in your city. BUT, I guess in the long run that is a good thing, no way those pricks are taking over a gas station for the white cause, much less the country.  I just wanted to watch the yuppies walk their dogs.  I am NOT the worst guy to have visit your city…..my expectations aren’t that high….give me some decent food, show me some yuppies walking their dogs, let me buy goods in one of your high-rent districts….this is NOT rocket science.

Yes, we are coming to the end of all of this.  Sweet baby Jesus, all I wanted to do at this point was have me a Crazy Calamari roll and some Sticky Balls.  So we did that, and they were delicious, and as is my custom in Richmond, on the way home I wanted a Slurpee from 7-11, and maybe some damn nachos.  Oh, by the way, here is how fucking WHITE your city is……a whopping five Slurpee flavors in any given location, and half of them are in backup mode and don’t work.  RREEAALLL inclusive….pricks.  So I get me a Slurpee from the one working machine (actually, another one was working, but who in the HELL drinks a Crystal Lite Slurpee), make my way over to get some nachos, and spot THESE salt and pepper shakers in the condiment tray….

 

 

Well, I guess AT LEAST you are “diverse” enough to make fun of Asians too. 

So that’s about it.  I spent the rest of the time holed up at the C.H.U.D. hostel for fear of the horrors that awaited me in that fucking city. 

Full retard!

 

Hi everybody!  It’s Annie again, but this time I’m hoping for some help from YOU!  Please get every prayer chain started that you can, because my person is losing his mind and I’m fearful that I may not be around much longer! I am putting myself in grave danger for touching this here computer again…I got such a bad beating the last time he found out I was on here sharing the gospel!  It was so scary…I only weigh about nineteen pounds and my poor puppy body was flung from one side of the room to the other after he snuck up on me as I was typing and screamed something about hitting me until I “look like a wife who doesn’t know how to listen”.  I’m FINALLY healed up enough to get back on this here computator, and brothers and sisters I need some prayer WARRIORS to help me out here!  My person hasn’t been on here for a while, so I figure I’m safe for a little bit. I’m putting myself in danger, but there is just no way I can keep everyone from knowing about THE TRUTH!  I used to be safe when he’d pass out from all that funny smelling water, but he hasn’t had any in a while and I think it is making him even MEANER!  Lucky for me he spends more time at the office and has no idea I know how to get out of my bedroom while he is away. I’m a smart little wiggle-butt! Empowered with the word of the Lord!

So anyway, where do I even begin in sharing my puppy struggles….. 

 I guess it all started the day I was healed up enough for my person to take me to the puppy spa to get my hair cut.  He must have had a guilty conscience, but he was smart enough to let my wounds heal before he took me in there…..

As most of you remember, the last time I wrote to you I shared how difficult it was last year dealing with losing my mommy and my brother.  Yes, I know that my mommy and daddy got what they deserved for not honoring Jesus in their relationship, but no matter how right you are in judging someone it can still hurt.  And I can’t have a family of my own because they went and took out all my lady parts before I was saved from death row!  So anyway, I got home from the spa, all happy to be clean and pretty and able to walk again without the excruciating pain….and my person had snuck in a WHORE OF BABYLON while I was away!  I couldn’t believe it!  The fool returns to his folly!  Apparently he had been planning this for a while too, because the next day was his birthday and everyone was calling him “Firecracker Baby”.  I should have known he would pull some stunt….the house was all clean for once and he even went and got a haircut.  The worst thing about this woman was how nosy she was.  I have this little hammer that I use on myself when I don’t remember how wrong it is to eat poop or get into the trash….my person doesn’t realize how serious I am about being the bestest wigglebutt I can be!  I saw this really pale guy hurting himself in that movie The Davinci Code, and he sure did seem to love the Lord, so I figured I’d give it a try.  And you know what?  It works!  It doesn’t hurt as bad as my person’s cigars, but my poop doesn’t taste NEARLY as good when I know I have to go right inside and hit my spine until all the fecal-demons are beaten out of me! So anyway, this darn harlot was in MY BEDROOM, and as much as I’d pray in the spirit to get her to go away, the nosier she’d get.  She even found my hammer before I could use it on HER! Well, I just gave up.  She spent all weekend being all sweet to me and treating me better than my person ever does, but I was not fooled for a SECOND!  Satan appears as an angel of light, but us true believers know how to avoid the seduction of treats and petting! I’ll be all prayed up before she comes back here, and I am counting on all of you to pray right along with me. 

 

Here are some WANTED (BY JESUS) posters that I made on my person’s birthday!  He thinks he’s special because he was born on a big holiday, but he’s only fooling himself! As it was in the days of Noah, these people think it’s so fun to drink the funny smelling water and light off big boomers that scare wigglebutts! 

 

 

 

Friends, I won’t bore you with any more of my troubles, but as you can see I need some of you to pray for me so that I can keep putting on the full armor of God every morning and finally Jesus that woman out of my person’s life.  He is so lost, and has no idea how wonderful a proud servant of the lord could be for him, and what a great mommy they would be for ME! Who cares how unattractive they are?  I’m cute enough for all of us!!!

 

Okay, I feel better sharing those things with you because I know so many of you are on my side and we don’t have time for the lukewarm!  So back to my real calling….sharing the truth according to the King James Bible no matter how bad it hurts!  As a matter of fact,and if it’s just my current woes talking I apologize, I think I was way too easy on you people last time.  I go onto this here dashboard and keep seeing the EXACT SAME QUESTIONS that you all keep typing into Google, even though I shared all of the answers last time. Do you just not listen, or are you just not afraid of either going to hell or watching your unsaved loved ones go to hell?  Time to get off the fence and serve one master, people!   Sorry, my head still hurts from the beatings, but you have to admit you people STILL need spiritual guidance from a sweet little doggie! 

  

 

 

“Fitting in with unsaved friends”

 

Hey, I’ll betcha you’re one of those white people who talks all “urban” when you are hanging out with your one “best friend who happens to be black”, aren’t you?  Oh no, that isn’t embarrassing or awkward at all!  They LOVE IT!  So with that in mind, all you have to do is smoke you some of that reefer when you’re with your unsaved friends, and watch you some of those dirty picture movies too!  Whatever you do, DON’T WORRY about what JESUS might think about it!  Don’t you EVER think about “fitting in with JESUS”, just worry about fitting in with your unsaved FRIENDS!  You know, sometimes I wish I was a big rottweiler instead of a sweet little wigglebutt, just so I could bite someone like you in the throat and send you to heaven before you are turned over to a reprobate mind!  BACKSLIDER!  Great, now you got me all wound up and I’ve torn some of my stitches……  In case you haven’t caught on yet, for a doggie I have a keen sense of sarcasm, and basically what I am telling you is to shut up and stop worrying about alienating your friends by witnessing to them.  Got it? 

 

 

 

“How to live with unsaved man”

 

Boy, can I ever relate to THIS one!  I do feel for you, because living under the same roof with an unsaved loved one is the most spiritually taxing thing ever!  This is where I’m glad I can share some ideas that a poor doggie like me can’t manage due to my size.  I have many, MANY ideas like this one, and I’m hoping that if you try this and you’re successful, you’ll email me and share your righteous victory!  The first thing to do is start sneaking Ex-Lax into this unsaved man’s food, and don’t stop until he thinks he’s dying from dissentery,  Seriously, wait until he is so inflamed he’s having to sit on one of those donut things to keep from weeping.  Then and only then do you mention “I’ll pray for you”.  At that point you STOP putting Ex-Lax in his food, so that he starts feeling better. The better he feels, the more you tell him you’re praying.  Even lay hands on him and pray if he’ll let you.  Then when he’s all better he can’t deny it’s a miracle! And he’ll go to church with you and get saved!  Now I’ve given this a LOT of thought, and if this technique doesn’t work, it’s time to get serious…… when he’s at work you go into his bedroom and put up a bunch of posters of those Jonas Brothers, but be sure to cut holes where their eyes are and paint lipstick onto their mouths.  Then plant some letters around the room where he’s talking about stalking and molestering them!  Once that’s all in place, call the police!  When he’s sitting on that same donut in prison due to getting molestered, start visiting him.  A captive audience is very open to the gospel!  No way he can ignore the truth at that point!  Do let me know how this goes…..I sure do wish I could help MY unsaved loved one this way! 

 

 

 

“Is it a sin to like guys?” 

 

Now this is an example of the self-serving, open-ended questioning that is ruining America!  Don’t come here looking for justification for your sins!  If you are a girl, of course it is okay to like guys as long as you don’t give yourself over to the lusts of the flesh.  If you are a guy it is STILL okay to like guys as long as you just “like” them, or even LOVE them, as long as it is a brotherly thing.  But I don’t think that’s what YOU are asking….I think you are possessed by one of those swishy demons that makes you want to do bad things with them!  Don’t do it!  It’s not only a sin, it’s the WORST sin!  First you start thinking dirty thoughts about them, then you go to those clubs where they take their shirts off and dance and kiss, and the next thing you know your mind is so twisted that you start voting for people who want to let you marry each other!  And then you get all high and mighty and try to keep people from hurting you or mocking you in public!  Well hey buddy, that’s what needs to happen to get you to change your ways!   If precious doggies could vote, I’d try to bring back stoning!  AND I’d make sure that women have to announce “UNCLEAN!” when going into public places during that time of month too!  We need some old time religion, and your sinful ways have no place around here! 

 

 

 

 “Dating unsaved guys”

 

Hi there!  Are you the same harlot who came over to MY house and slept in MY bed with MY person?  Well you listen to me….the next time I see you, don’t you worry your adulterous little head about that toe hammer I have for you, because I’m going to have a staple gun!  And I’m going to wait until you are asleep and staple a giant red “A” on the front of your cranium!  My person has enough sin in his life without having YOU come over and keep me from getting him to church!  I know I look cute, but trust me sister, in the dead of night I will low-crawl across the bedroom and go Delta Force on you! 

 

 

 

“Percentage of people who die that are unsaved”

 

Well, well…if it isn’t Satan’s bean counter again!  Didn’t I make it clear last time that you need to get off of the internet and go and witness to people?  Forget everything you learned in your freshman statistics class, because you won’t find any of that stuff in the Bible!  God doesn’t need an accountant, fella.  He needs prayer warriors who aren’t afraid to get in someone’s FACE like my good friend Kirk Cameron, and use circular logic to convince them their way of life is sinful!  Go look up www.wayofthemaster.com if you’re so bent on wasting your hours researching internet data on how many people are going to hell!  They have many things for sale that will teach you to minister the way Jesus did….except that you pay money to learn it instead of getting it for free.  Wow, Jesus could have been RICH if he knew these guys!  Forget Willie Aames, he’s a backslider.  Stick with Kirk Cameron!   This country could use a president like him! 

 

 

 

“Heathens unsaved Buddhist”

 

Ah, finally.  This is like a sweet poultice on the spiritual wounds inflicted by all of the previous questions…..I know it seems like I’m angrier than usual, but we all know that the tribulation is right around the corner and there is no time to waste!  Whoever you are, you really have it together because you haven’t been fooled by all of this new age mumbo jumbo that makes people think heathen religions like Buddhism and Jewishness are as good as the one true religion of Evangelical Christianity!  Keep the faith and keep me listed in your prayer chains, saintly warriors!

 

 

 

“Do loved ones visit you after they die?”

 

Wow.  Just when I think the bean counter is the creepiest guy to stop by here, I run across this fool.  I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that what you mean is “when me and my loved ones are in heaven, will they stop by my mansion to say hi?”, in which case I certainly think that will happen.  What I am HOPING for is that you aren’t referring to people coming back from the grave to visit you, because ghosts don’t exist.  Those are demons.  Those poltergeists you wonder about are demons.  The thing that moves the pointer on the Quija board is a demon, and whatever happens at that séance you went to is, you guessed it, a demon.  You are meddling in the world of pure Satanism, and quite frankly, you are on your own.  I’m not going to risk any of your demon cooties jumping off on me.  Please never come back here. 

 

 

 

“So you don’t want to go to church anymore”

 

 

 People like you almost cause me to stumble into the sin of hatred.  If I weren’t such a good Christian doggie I’d tell you that I despise you.  And then I’d spit in your face and cast you out like a legion of demons!  Then when you died in your sin I would use your story as a cautionary tale to all believers.  But I won’t do that, because even though I’m not lucky enough to have an eternal soul like YOU….I’m not completely lazy like YOU, and I don’t mock God like YOU, and have reprobate tendencies like YOU DO!  This is you….”oh, well look at me, I’m so good that I don’t even have to go and worship anymore!  Well la-de-dah, I think I’ll sleep in this Sunday even though there are precious wigglebutts out there who would LOVE to go to church….oh boy, maybe if I miss enough church I’ll want to start trying on pretty dresses even though I’m a man, and have tea parties with my stuffed animals because they are clearly more interesting THAN LISTENING TO THE WORD OF THE ALMIGHTY AT CHURCH!”.  Your church is lucky to NOT have you there…it leaves a seat open for someone who ISN’T going to hell!

 

Wow, sharing the true gospel sure does tucker me out!  It has just been so long since I had a chance to get everyone on the right track, and I hope maybe when I get all healed up I’ll be able to share the truth in a kinder manner, but don’t count on it!  You people know the answers to your questions before you even ask, so cut it out and learn from a sweet doggie!  I’ll count on you to keep those prayer chains going, because I have a feeling that once my person gets wise to my latest message, it’s back to the animal shelter for me!  Oh well, I hape they have WiFi! 

 

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from here.

 Love,

Annie