So I got back a few days ago from Richmond, and normally I’d have a lot of interesting and charming things to say about my trip…..especially since my reason for coming down was to enjoy a C.H.U.D country safari! Don’t get me wrong, I cherish my quality time with my girl, she is the greatest, but you bastards in Richmond have really gone “full retard” in my opinion. And as everyone knows, you just don’t ever go full retard. Forrest Gump……possibly retarded but he charmed the pants off of Nixon and could beat the Chinese at ping pong. Rainman….definitely acted and looked like a retard, but could count the shit out of some toothpicks. What the people in Richmond have done is go the way of I Am Sam and Radio…….you went full retard. I know I normally have some nice things to say about just about everyone and everything, and sorry to rip-off the funniest movie I’ve seen in a long time to make my point (Tropic Thunder, of course), but I have a very specific problem with you guys and your blatant racism. And not just the racism, but the cultural insensitivity in general.
Okay, I know this is all coming out of left field, but you all are insane, and that may not be apparent to the casual visitor. It took me a few days to piece it all together, but the first clue was found as we strolled along the so called “America’s Most Beautiful Boulevard”. At first, Monument Avenue looked just like Ward Parkway here in Kansas City……beautiful older homes where wealthy people spend a lot of money on making their front yards look perfect. And Richmond being in the south, I can look past the fascination with giant monuments dedicated to confederate generals. Sure, you all took quite a tanning during the Civil War…..er, sorry, I mean “the war of northern aggression”….but that’s no reason not to recognize military leaders. I guess you could follow my logic out to the point where you defend goddamn HITLER and his military prowess, but that is neither here nor there. You want to honor your military leaders who lost the war for you, that is your business. When in Rome…..
So we’re going along just fine……..old dead white guy…..old dead white guy…….yuppies walking their dogs…….old dead white guy……..
Then we happen upon THIS profoundly offensive spectacle, that could only have been erected to mock the anguish of people who aren’t even FROM Richmond….
Way to go, assholes…….seriously, what in the name of all that is holy and decent in this world would even make you THINK of erecting a statue that honors the notorious Atlanta child murderer, Wayne Williams? You got the hair and the glasses down cold, I’ll give you that, but is there some kind of Atlanta/Richmond rivalry based on your child death rates that I’m not aware of? I’m going to be honest with you…I don’t care for it. And seriously, if you can’t get someone like ME onboard with a sick-ass joke like yours, then I can tell you with a high degree of confidence that the general public is not going to be wild about it. And what is with the tennis racket, and the inclusion of little children literally screaming out in terror……”OH NO! What kind of defensive wounds will get get from that tennis racket? Oh please! Don’t kill us, sir!”. I guess it could be a badminton racket or something, I don’t know how Williams lured his victims, so there is obviously some tie-in I’m not aware of. And what about the books? Are those supposed to be the Bible? Is he screaming scripture at them as he pummels them with a sporting good? And was Williams really that short-waisted? Whoever you had do the statue didn’t even do that good of a job, so not only is the thing insanely offensive and hurtful, someone did a shitty job of it. What the fuck?
So obviously, I was shocked. And a little saddened. And puzzled…….so we continued to walk along and I was asking the C.H.U.D., “did you plan shocking me like that?”. As we went further down the road, things started making a LITTLE more sense when we saw THIS….
Y’all Richmond crackers got you some MINSTREL FEVER! YOWZA! Really, on one hand you’re so macabre, and on the other just blatantly disrespectful in that Amos and Andy kind of way. You’ve got a goddamn statue dedicated to MR. BOJANGLES! What do you all do, stop by the Wayne Williams tribute to get yourselves all tickled and then saunter on down and do you some dancin’ in front of Bojangles? Oh no, that’s not insensitive at ALL. “LAWDY LAWDY! I gots ‘ta see me some funny statues on my way home to ham-off to some underground Hattie McDaniel stag films!”. What in the HELL? Was that black lady who was always screaming at “Jasper” in the early Tom and Jerry cartoons too busy for a sitting? I just shook my head……and as much as I dearly love the C.H.U.D., I feel bad for how desensitized she has had to become living in such a backwards culture of spiteful racism and gleeful……gleeful….is “caricaturization” a real word?
So I’m thinking……today couldn’t go any further south (no pun intended). WRONG! WRONG! We head over to Carytown to walk amongst the cultured whites who live close enough to the edge of a full-blown Bohemian enclave without actually living amongst the unshowered…..
Let me set the scene….this is about twenty minutes after the whole segregationist/child murderer/Bojangles debacle, and while I heal quickly I’m still reeling a bit from the shock. We finally find a place to park, because Saturday is “the” day in Carytown, and I swear to God I’m not even out of the car for five minutes before I see…in EVERY window and on EVERY lampost……
REEAAALLL fucking subtle. I was shocked I didn’t see a “BOJANGLES ATE HERE” sign in the Double T BBQ or whatever in the hell it’s called restaurant. OH LAWDY LAWDY! You people crystallize insensitivity to the point of being a hardened diamond…..a blood diamond, of course. But hey, that’s okay, at least you’re not in the closet about it. I’m not saying wearing it like a badge of pride is GOOD, I’m just saying at least we know how things REALLY are the next time we go to one of your information centers or chambers of commerce.
The hell with it, I’m a trooper, it was an absolutely beautiful day outside, spending quality time with the C.H.U.D., so I soldiered on. The funny thing is, I LITERALLY thought of the term “soldier on” as we walked up the street, right before I ran into THESE guys…..
All I wanted to do was go into Penzey’s for some smoked paprika and some fennel seeds, but things apparently just aren’t that easy. As I started towards the door, one of them screams “WHAT’S THE PASSWORD?”. I just swoon with shock…..this has to be a dream……..but I really REALLY wanted to buy some overpriced spices, so I thought for a minute and based on a PURE guess, said “Jim Crow”. Sure enough, they were like “Ye may pass”. And I was like “YE? What in the fuck is up with YE?”. Crazy fuckers were like watching Spartacus or Cleopatra with the senseless mish-mash of eras going on.
So Carytown was a nice enough place. I love the candy store even though they didn’t have Chuckles in stock. I was feeling bad for my girlfriend, because I know she wasn’t proud of the way her city was being scarily accurately potrayed, and because I know she’s a good person. So hey, let’s forget about all of this, have some food at Sticky Rice…..her favorite restaurant, and after eating there, one of mine too……the Sticky Balls are just magical…..but it wasn’t quite five o’clock, so we had some time to kill. Like I said, it was a beautiful day, Richmond has an ANNOYING amount of trees, so let’s find a park to hang out and watch the fucking crackers play frisbee with their dogs or some such shit. So we find a park, and I’m wondering why such a small park has SO MANY cars parked on the streets around it. Oh, I guess it took twenty seconds to realize we made a huge error in judgment because we ran into THESE GUYS….
What the fuck flag is that? It’s like Australia, but not quite. And then you’ve got the Greek Orthodox cross on one, but again, not quite…….you people have the dumbest goddamn skinheads in all of humanity living in your city. BUT, I guess in the long run that is a good thing, no way those pricks are taking over a gas station for the white cause, much less the country. I just wanted to watch the yuppies walk their dogs. I am NOT the worst guy to have visit your city…..my expectations aren’t that high….give me some decent food, show me some yuppies walking their dogs, let me buy goods in one of your high-rent districts….this is NOT rocket science.
Yes, we are coming to the end of all of this. Sweet baby Jesus, all I wanted to do at this point was have me a Crazy Calamari roll and some Sticky Balls. So we did that, and they were delicious, and as is my custom in Richmond, on the way home I wanted a Slurpee from 7-11, and maybe some damn nachos. Oh, by the way, here is how fucking WHITE your city is……a whopping five Slurpee flavors in any given location, and half of them are in backup mode and don’t work. RREEAALLL inclusive….pricks. So I get me a Slurpee from the one working machine (actually, another one was working, but who in the HELL drinks a Crystal Lite Slurpee), make my way over to get some nachos, and spot THESE salt and pepper shakers in the condiment tray….
Well, I guess AT LEAST you are “diverse” enough to make fun of Asians too.
So that’s about it. I spent the rest of the time holed up at the C.H.U.D. hostel for fear of the horrors that awaited me in that fucking city.