Monthly Archives: May 2010

If You Need Unlimited Texting, You Are Fucking Autistic…

First of all, here is the viral video I’m hoping hits the web ASAP……some random stupid motherfucker who is walking and texting and trundles out into traffic and his body explodes like a water balloon when another stupid motherfucker who is driving while texting rams into him with their car. I swear to God, I would have to be hauled off to intensive care after one of my ribs punctured my colon from the sheer force of my nonstop laughter. If you know anyone who has died while texting, then I hope you got a good laugh. Because you deserved to laugh. And they deserved to die. They were stupid, and their death was simply a shot of much needed chlorine into the gene pool.

I know I’m getting old and have a harder and harder time adjusting to how quickly and easily people become tethered to technology, and I’m just as guilty as anyone when it comes to internet/Farmville addiction, but holy damn….yesterday I was in the Iron Man 2 ticket line behind some emaciated teenager, and the little fucker couldn’t even look up for 2 seconds from his texting to speak to the ticket guy. I wanted to start shoving him, going “Hey, kid…hey, hey kid….how do you take a shit with that thing? Seriously, getting the pants up and down and all that… do you do it one handed? And why do you look as sickly as Fodderwing from the movie The Yearling?”…but I knew there was no way to get his attention, because texting is the greatest enabler for the completely, irreversably, socially fucking retarded. And God help us all if I did disturb this little turd’s concentration, because you know he’d fly into one of those head-banging autistic flip-outs like those retarded kids on TLC.

These people…’s like watching a rhesus monkey locked up in one of those behavioral experiments where they hit a lever and get a rock of crack. Very focused…..on letting the world know something awesome like “I’m in line getting Iron Man 2 tickets”…..and what I’m hoping when I see this shit….what I’m PRAYING FOR… is they are taking it to the next level and Facebooking it, or wait, even BETTER….they are hitting “Like” after reading how one of their dipshit friends is also in line waiting to get Iron Man 2 tickets.

Whatever these annoying pricks are typing as they block hallways, stumble into you, or swerve into your lane of traffic, I promise you this….it is totally unimportant. I realize that “important” is relative, but if you take an honest assessment of your life and what is important, and you STILL find yourself obsessively updating people with random bits of disjointed and horribly mis-spelled or abbreviated beyond comprehension parcels of data….then you have completely failed at life. You have given up at developing anything resembling social and communication skills, and have turned your mind over to a mode of processing information that no longer allows the time for honest interaction or cognitive development. You have whittled what is left of your already broken self-image into this amorphous blob of a diminished ego that subsists on the random nuggets of affirmation you get that come in the form of texts from the members of your socially dysfunctional tribe. OR, you’re just the the most disorganized asshole on the planet, so lacking in motivation and originality that you spend countless hours suckling on that digital wet nurse. I know…’re busy… have a lot going on and you’re being efficient. I wish that were true. But it’s not. You are just incredibly stupid, and getting dumber every day. And if you are a parent whose children have sucked you into this vortex because obsessive texting is “the new norm”, then you are a failure and your children should be taken from you. Whatever has gotten you to this level of social retardation, it is time for you to wander out into traffic and save yourself the pain of realizing how completely fucked your GRANDCHILDREN are going to be.

So Iron Man 2 was pretty good. I thought it was a lot of fun. Maybe not as good as the first one, but on a rainy Sunday afternoon it was perfect. Mickey Rourke has always been and will always be one of my favorite actors….right up there with the likes of my holy trinity- Eric Roberts, William Forsythe and Michael Rooker. Josh Brolin is gaining in momentum…..I like that guy. And don’t give me any shit about him being an abusive spouse……even if he is, he was awesome in Planet Terror, so he gets a pass.

But yeah, these texting pricks, the ones who would rather text you even though they are in the same room with you rather than speak……I mean, you ever spend much time talking to one face to face? And by that I mean, have you been able to talk to one who isn’t constantly looking down to keep texting as they talk to you? It really is a snapshot into the life of a miscreant….they talk the same way they text…’s disjointed, they usually look like they are about to start sweating, and the act of conversation itself is very hurried because they pride themselves on texting as quickly as they can think, but in reality they aren’t very smart and they realize this when they have to talk….so their words are filtered through a bruised ego which makes them come off as rude and somewhat badgering.

Now, the one time you can count on one of these autistic fucks being lucid and at ease, even, dare I say…mirthful, is when you get them talking about devices. The tools of the trade. The technological miracles that make it easier and easier for them to dumb down their communication to the equivalent of a fart or grunt. Get them started on the merits of touchpad vs. keypad and the words flow like honey. If you want information on the latest, the newest, or the upcoming changes to the landscape of modern communication, they can tell you the best way to use spaceage technology to relay your monosyllabic thoughts on topics like “I’m doing laundry”, “I don’t like that kind of cheese!”, or the classic “I’m bored”. And oh boy, the iPad, get them rolling on that hunk of shit and they are liable to literally take flight. The overpriced, oversized and pretty much pointless BIGGER iPhone (without a phone)….those fucking things just need to come equipped with a retard helmet and drool cup. MONGO LIKE IPAD! IT MAKE THEM BIG LETTERS FOR ME TO THE DO SOME THE TYPING! MAC GOOOOOD….MAC MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO TOO DUMB TO USE THEM COMPUTEMERS! AND THEY PRETTY! I LIKING SPEND THE MORE MONEY THAN ME LAPTOP COST FOR AS NOT AS GOOD VERSION BECAUSE IF ME STUPID ENOUGH TO SPEND THE MONEYINGS IT MAKE ME LOOK NOT STUPID! MAC MEANS YOU SOPHISTICATED LIKE THEM PEOPLES WITH THEM PLUG-IN CARS!

But, like I said, I’m out there in the world. I Facebook and all that shit. I’ll put some updates out there that people could give less of a shit about. And sometimes I just want to get a feel for whether or not my thoughts are too far out there…’s like a barometer. If nobody “likes” it, or takes it the wrong way, I’m either shooting too high or too low. I don’t put everything out there though. I save some of it for here, because in here there is no line…..out there are a bunch of potentially whiny fucks. And probably some co-workers. And family.

I’m not saying any of this is genius, but here are a couple of things I WANTED to put in my Facebook status updates, but now that I’m sober I tend to overthink instead of just letting it rip…….

“The Lovely Bones Gave Me A Lovely Boner”

“After watching Julie and Julia and The Lovely Bones, I wanted to ask Stanley Tucci if he’d start a band with me called ‘Julia Child Molester'”


“If the vagina of that 18 Kids and Counting’s mom could give a monologue, what would it be? Fifteen solid minutes of tortured screams? Muffled grumblings of begrudging resignation? A weepy rendition of the song “The Rose”?”

“When your first trip to church in fifteen years ends with the doctor at the county lockup asking you ‘How did you get these abrasions on the head of your penis?’, you may want to keep what’s in your rented storage space between you and the Lord.”

“Why hasn’t anyone opened a hippie lesbian bar called ‘Tie Dyke’?”


Eh, pretty weak, but it’s all I’ve got. Other than that, texting sucks. iPads are for eunuchs. We’ve put in our first perennial garden in the front yard, bought all sorts of plants and flowers and shit so this place quits looking like bachelor hell. All of my herbs are planted and I’m testing out those retarded looking Topsy Turvy tomato planters. But not only that, I actually bought one of those Topsy Turvy tomato TREES! The new job is great. At some point I’ll have to go into more detail about that on here….a government organization is very different. Very, very different. And junior college addiction counseling courses….the students in those are very different. Very, very different. I don’t mind taking a shit on things I’m not really attached to, like texting and Mac retards, it’s just fun to drink some coffee and get all wound up…..but the job and school will take some soul-seeking before I decide just how to unleash. I basically like them both, and am generally very calm. Living the dream. No complaints. Taking a trip for our first anniversary next month. Justus Drugstore is our favorite new restaurant. I can just keep throwing this shit out there if you want…..we had shells and meat sauce tonight. The World’s Strongest Toddler is on tv right now…..I’m convinced it’s retard strength but we’ll have to see. We just got done watching Lost. Lost sucks.



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