“My son is a homosexual and I love him…..I love my dead gay son!”
Oh yeah, let’s open this with one of the classics. It always struck me as strange when Patrick Labyorteaux stripped off his shirt how weirdly fat and muscular he looked at the same time. His core was like a chubby triangle. Great movie, Heathers. And whenever I think of the most awesome, inspirational bites of food in my life, my mind immediately goes to that awkward funeral….and then to Brokeback Mountain….and then to some Lifetime PSA movie that doesn’t even exist. This phenomenon is new to me as of this year, after a single bite of food that I will eventually get around to talking about. But first I must elaborate upon a rating system that I touched on during my trip to DC…..
2011 was a MONSTER food year, and my rating system is this- If I didn’t like it, unless it was REALLY horrible, you just don’t ever hear me talk about it. I’m not a food critic, I’m not going to bore you with all of the shit that is wrong with a place unless I get poisoned or physically threatened. If I like it, but I’m not going to rush right back, you may or may not hear me mention it….The Farmhouse here in KC comes to mind as an example. Good food, I’d throw it out there as a recommendation, it’s worth a second and third try at some point, it’s just not going to break into our dinner rotation. Then there are the restaurants and single dishes that I LOVE….and in the past year you’ve heard me talk about most of those. I am always trying new places, but I’m a creature of habit. If I truly love a place, it makes it into “the rotation”….no small feat. Then we go there all the time, and you get totally fucking sick of my Facebook updates from that point forward.
But THERE IS a personal rating I possess that makes all of the Michelin stars in the world totally superfluous dogshit in comparison…..and THAT rating, which came to me straight from God in the middle of a single bite of food (which I WILL eventually get around to talking about) is….”Gay Jock Hate Crime of Love”. Or as it will be referred to from this point forward, GJHCOL. For the uninitiated I am going to break it down for you in a way that will unsettle you like a burp that smells so bad you think you may need to see a doctor. With that said, I am obviously in no way advocating actual hate crimes if a bite of food sends you over the top. My brain is just kind of fucked up, and this is how extreme sensory input and my grey matter have to talk to each other if they want to get my attention.
So anyway….in a vision it came to me….. We are all familiar with those horrible zero budget Oxygen type movies that highlight something that was a relevant issue two years ago. They always star Meredith Baxter Birney and some twenty five year old actor who is being passed off as the troubled teenage jock or the bulimic princess. Well, in THIS movie it’s the jock, complete with his awesome letter jacket where he hides his secret smokes a la Greg Brady. But this jock has another, much bigger secret. FLASH FORWARD! It’s the end of the football season, and the awkward semi-secret newly formed friendship he has developed with a yell leader (even though they’ve been neighbors forever…long story) transforms into an emotional bond that finally reaches its logical conclusion one night when they are in the gym putting some equipment back into the closet (the director had to throw some real softballs out there imagery-wise, Oxygen watchers are pretty goddamn stupid). Long story short, a “hey man…I never told you how much it meant to me when you…taught me how to read” confession turns into a long embrace, which turns into some very consensual kissing, shirts off, no Laboryteaux doughboys though, they are totally ripped, aaaannnnnd….love story turns to TRAGEDY! With hot tears streaming and snot bubbles the size of grapefruits, the jock suddenly backs away as if struck by lightning. He begins to emit an “Eeeee…eeeee…EEEEE” noise like that dude who was banging Forrest Gump’s mom, time stands still and the barometric pressure in the immediate vicinity changes so rapidly their ears begin to pop. In a fit, he rains very vicious yet still ineffective blows down upon the object of his affection…the camera panning away as his conflicted, soul-cauterizing wails continue to boom throughout the halls. Then we fade in to Meredith Baxter Birney, quietly crying as she sits on his bed, wondering aloud what she could have done to help her son who now sits in the county jail….YEAH, maybe a little more understanding from YOUR sorry ass when you forced him to play football after finding him rifling through your makeup drawer and this would aalllll be different….not every child is as perfect as your precious Alex Keaton, whore.
Lots of restaurants, lots of food to cover, but that whole scenario is what flew through my brain after one bite of the following menu item. “I HATE this thing….I LOVE this thing….I do NOT KNOW HOW TO FEEL SO I MUST DESTROY! DESTROY!!! BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE IT SO! Eeeee….eeeeee…EEEEEE!!!”
Categories are out of order, photos are spotty at best, and not everything I talk about will be “gay jock hate crime of love” good….but this little fucker was:
Best Bite of the Year- the Foie Gras BLT at Eola, Wash. DC
The only bad thing about this dish is the photo. Bacon cured foie gras with a tomato-madeira concoction inside of truffled brioche. As God is my witness, this is one of the richest, most delicious bites of food….ever. I mean, it spawned “GJHCOL”, just out of the blue. If you love offal, you will love Eola. So much good shit, go back and read my DC reviews.
Best “It’s a Classic For a Reason, Dumbass”- Citronelle, Wash. DC
I’m not including Citronelle because it’s insanely expensive and I got my ass royally kissed….this place gave me a double whammy of GJHCOL back to fucking back. First was the Blanquette of Nantucket Bay Scallops..tons of butter and the most perfect little scallops I’ve ever eaten…slight caramelization on the tops, translucent in the center. Then the death blow- Halibut with saffron lobster sauce….the sauce was the thing…beyond lobster stock, saffron and butter I do not know what all was in there, but it was probably the best sauce of any kind I have eaten in my life.
Best “Where In the FUUUUCCKK Did This Place Come from?”- The Corn Exchange, Rapid City, SD
The Corn Exchange was an absolute surprise shot between the eyes as far as food and service. I’d read great reviews, and it was the only “fine dining” option within a few hundred miles of where we were staying in Deadwood that sounded worthwhile. As with most of these “best of’s”, for more info consult the original write-ups, but I will say….the young people on staff had incredible training and if they so desire will be able to go on to work at ANY high-end establishment in any major U.S. city. Their enthusiasm for the restaurant was as enjoyable as the food. And the food…if you’re anywhere near the area, I give it my highest recommendation. Above I’ve featured their corn pancake topped with smoked salmon just to give you something to look at.
Best “I Feel Bad for Having to Tell My Local Chefs About It”- Crab Pasta at The Boiler Room, Omaha, Neb.
The handcut tajarin with peekytoe crab at The Boiler Room was the best pasta dish I’d eaten since I dined at Quince in San Francisco. And I’m not throwing that reference out just to sound cool, if you know your shit you know that Quince is the real deal. There are a million little intangibles when it comes to toothy perfection in a pasta, and Chef Kulik just destroys it up in Omaha. GJHCOL level deliciousness. I shit you not, if I saw it posted on their website menu in the afternoon for that night’s special and I had the time to make it up there, I’d seriously consider a spontaneous trip to Nebraska. The Boiler Room is the real thing, eat there.
Best “Softshell Crab at The Rieger”- the Softshell Crab at The Rieger, Kansas City, Mo.
I know, this one was a surpise winner in this category. Your asses all knew The Rieger was going to show up here….just a matter of when and what. No secret that I now just refer to it as “headquarters”, and I do look forward to softshell season 2012. I’ve eaten plenty of softshell crabs and THESE…they are special. But there’s so much good shit at The Rieger I just kind of settled on this dish because our time with it shall always be fleeting.
Best “Recovering Alcoholics are People TOO”- soft drinks at The Rieger and Justus Drugstore, and the Van Verde at Bluestem
Now I know these things weren’t all formulated just for my sorry low-bottom ass, BUT I am forever thankful for delicious and thought provoking non-alcoholic options when I dine out. The Rieger Kola, pictured above, is just King Motherfucker and that’s the way it is. Flavorwise, it is the killer. I’ve been opting for the Green Tea Ginger soda more often recently, but I always go back to the Kola. At Justus you simply choose between savory and sweet when ordering a mocktail, and I promise you whatever you receive will be as incredible as any of their alcoholic drinks….okay, obvious bullshit THERE, but hey, they are still awesome. And honorable mention absolutely goes out to Van at Bluestem…the no-booze version of the Van Verde with all of its cucumber smoothness is the perfect beginning to a five course meal in the dining room.
“Best Storyline”- Port Fonda
Like The Rieger, here is another place that I’ve ranted and raved about since our first visit to El Comedor on the hottest day of the year….July First Friday. It has been chronicled here at least twice, but has to be included in my personal best-of for this year. It got its start early this year and since then has exploded in popularity with dynamite walk-up Mexican street food, and a private dining experience that blows the mercury straight out of any hipster-cache thermometer. Great food, awesome people, and one hell of a story. With the passing of Starker’s chef and owner John McClure this fall, a huge gap was left in our food scene and the fate of Barrio, the taqueria set to open in Westport in 2012, was unknown. With the type of loyalty and love that makes me proud to be a KC food nerd, the folks at Port Fonda and McClure’s business partner Dan Doty teamed up and that taqueria is still going to open in the Spring of 2012. The Port Fonda storyline expands and the collaboration and respect that is shared amongst some of my personal favorite people in this town will continue to be legendary.
Best “Comfort Food- Redefined”- Vietnam Cafe, Columbus Park
One of the major food groups my wife has been missing badly since she moved up here is Vietnamese. I took her to one place in the River Market where I’ve eaten for years, and we tried a couple of places that were new to both of us. After a couple of visits to each of the (unrelated) Vietnam Cafe’s we have in KC, the one in Columbus Park just sucked us in. Pretty much every chef I know and every friend who loves food has raved about Vietnam Cafe, but I never want to jump on a bandwagon even if I trust your opinion. The place delivers, and has leap-frogged over restaurants like The Corner when we’re seeking soul warming comfort food. The pho, the rice dishes, the crazy low prices, the insanely fast service and people watching….I NEVER eat quickly anymore but I always find myself hoovering in whatever they put in front of me. We need zero reason to head over there, so if you have not been….go, dummy.
“Best Way to Guarantee You’ll Need Your Entrees To-Go”- The Italian Nachos at Cascone’s
This dish will go on every “best of” list I do for the rest of my life….totally non-traditional, insanely unhealthy and filling, and absolutely mandatory. Fried pasta chips, ground Italian sausage, asiago cheese sauce, parmesan, pepperoncini’s, black olives, tomatoes…..the only way you’re going to touch your entree is if you’re eating with at least three other people. Total stoner bliss, death row meal material, this is something that will remain legendary.
Best “Only Reason to Drink Coffee Other Than My Own”- the espresso at Grunauer
You know me, I roast my own coffee and have for at least a decade. I generally only use beans from Ethiopia or Yemen with the occasional use of Sumatran or Indian Monsooned if a good crop is available. I make my shit STRONG, my regular cup o’ joe will leave the flavor of most espressos in the dust. But the Meinl espresso they make at Grunauer is probably the single best restaurant coffee I’ve ever had. Usually if I can even detect coffee flavor when dining out I’ll say it’s “good”…so when I actually get flavor overload, then holy shit, I’ve stumbled upon the beverage version of GJHCOL. More places like Justus and The Farmhouse are doing French Press these days, and there are many choices for locally roasted beans, but Grunauer’s espresso is far beyond anything else I’ve ordered in KC.
Best “Made Me Wish I Was a PMS’ing Teenage Girl So I Could Truly Appreciate It”- the Christopher Elbow/Port Fonda drinking chocolate collaboration
These crazy fuckers got together and took what is ALREADY a ridiculously rich and flavorful beverage (that you can’t call hot chocolate because it truly is “drinking chocolate”) and took it to the next level. I’m not a huge chocolate lover, but God in heaven, the addition of what tasted like orange peel and spicy chiles made a believer out of me. No need to go looking for it, it was a one-time thing as far as I know, and you know it was delicious if I’m not even mentioning the freshly fried churros they served with it.
Best “Yes I Am Aware It’s a Polarizing Place, But the Food is Phenomenal and My Street Cred is Such that I Can EAT WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT”- Justus Drugstore
The title of this award pretty much sums it up. Do I know diners and restaurant professionals who do not like Jonathan Justus? Oh yeah. Absolutely. But until I hear stories about him poisoning Tylenol bottles or happily serving Rick Perry or Sarah Palin, I will continue to be a fan. The man puts out some consistently thoughtful and well-executed food. It is rare for my wife and I to spend a thirty minute car ride combing over the finer points of the meal we just ate, and more often than not that’s what happens after our meal there. And the service….excellent. If you know me, you know the only chef’s ring I’m going to kiss in this town is Howard Hanna’s, and that’s only because we have the same wedding band….I don’t fall for the fanboy bullshit. If the food was not top notch I wouldn’t eat there just to remain in the KC dining elite, much less rave about it. Anyone who doubts my ability to completely alienate and terrorize a REAL douche of a chef, feel free to consult the local archives.
Best “Who Knew That Shit Went Together?” – the Sweetbreads and Scallops at The Rieger
That’s pretty much it. Who knew? Two of my favorite foods on the same plate together, both executed individually and perfectly. If I’m a dumbass for not knowing this is some legendary goddamn Escoffier classic, well then fuck ME…
“Best Reason to Own at Least One Chest Freezer”- Paradise Locker Meats
I’d say at this point about 85% of the meat we eat comes from Paradise Locker. We are lucky to be able to buy from a place that caters to many, many top tier dining establishments. Smartest half hour drive ever. They know their product, and it’s not like Lobel’s… you don’t have to have an upper-east side salary to afford to buy most of your meat there. Now, it’s not as cheap as your factory farmed grocery store truckload sale selections…..but the trade-off is YOU CAN ACTUALLY TASTE THAT IT’S MEAT! We are happy to eat a slightly smaller quantity of a much higher quality product, and the selection is varied enough to make it a lot of fun. It’s a whole circle of life thing…you support a locally owned operation that supports local farms…a meaty and delicious goddamn hippie dream.
Best “Better Late to the Party Than Never”- the radish pods from Crum’s Heirlooms
This was the year we joined our first CSA because it was the first year our favorite farmers (from whom we buy every week during the season ANYWAY) offered one. There were many, many items we loved and lusted over….kohlrabi comes to mind, mountains of kale, RADISHES, tomatoes….but the big one that stuck out due to its uniqueness (and newness to MY clueless ass) was definitely the humble radish pod. Everthing that is good about a snap pea and spicy radish rolled into one little package. Eaten alone, on salads….everything about them is good. Our favorite thing is to mimic a Rieger dish and top a piece of grilled Farm to Market Bread with a salad that features the pods, radishes and greens, all topped with an over-easy egg. Definitely loving the CSA way of life and the Crum’s are the best…..cannot wait to see what 2012 has in store for us.
“Best Testaments to the Fact That My Kitchen Kung-Fu is Strong”- Macarons and Sous Vide cooking
I’ve featured both of these things on my blog, so I won’t spend a ton of time here. Mainly just wanted to say that between learning how to successfully make macarons, and bringing sous vide into my regular cooking rotation, I feel like a pretty goddamn accomplished home chef. Above you’ll see the assorted macaron colors and flavors that were part of my Christmas gift selection for very lucky recipients this year, and below that is some Ad Hoc fried chicken that was brined and sous vide prior to frying. Macarons are a bastard to make, sous vide is like falling off a log….and both result in impressive and delicious offerings. Oh, most recently the 48 hour shortribs (Piedmontese from Paradise Locker, naturally) shot to the top of my best-ever special occasion recipes….or not so special occasion…whenever I have shortribs on hand counts as special.
Best “I Don’t Often Choose to Read, But When I Do It’s About Food…”- Lucky Peach
Yeah, I like reading some gratuitous Bourdain rambles and I worship David Chang as a fellow lover of finely crafted profanity. And you KNOW YOU’RE COOL when you can drop little nuggets out of THIS publication. Seriously though, a great read, I’m just about done with Issue #2. Awesome recipes, and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. I feel a kindred spirit when reading Lucky Peach, and it forces me to read….something I swore I would never do again after grad school.
Best “Poised for World Domination”- Colby and Megan Garrelts, Bluestem and Trezo Vino
And we will finish this hell-ride up by bringing it all back full circle….folks that took my expectations for fine dining in KC over the top. Colby has made like forty trips out to NYC to be continually shot down by the James Beard dicks, and Megan has always been like “you all WILL believe that dessert is just as vital a part of your meal as a first course or main”. Now I don’t know if any of THAT shit is the impetus behind the juggernaut, but they are vivisecting the local scene like a pageant mom with a grudge. A second restaurant, a third on the way, any and all collateral damage to the flagship addressed with a vengeance, and the greatest thing of all for those of us who have been there since the doors opened….a cookbook (complete with signings and a media blitz that probably includes the outer banks of Siberia for all I know). I don’t mean this to sound condescending AT ALL, but “watching Bluestem grow up” has been a total joy. I eat a ton of different places, I always have some current obsession, but I always know that I can go back to Bluestem and get service and food that reminds me why I continually champion the KC food scene. Well played, demons.
So wasn’t it great how I included the gay jock thing for no real reason and then only made gratuitous references to it throughout this whole mess in order for it not to be completely unnecessary? Maybe in 2012 I’ll get a totally new yet still homoerotic vision that ventures into the land of the male g-spot….we can only hope and pray for that.
And that’s about all I’ve got….Santa was kind, we’re co-hosting a huge NYE party tomorrow night, and all is well. Happy New Year, pricks.